Countless times I have heard the question, "But what about socialization?" And I want to respond, "And what about Columbine? Were those shooters appropriately 'socialized?'" Schools did not teach them kindness or forgiveness. Actually, really it was the school system and the other children that made them bitter and full of hatred. I know that from personal experience.

Someone else said to me, "But how are you going to keep your kids from being annoying?" I went to school, and I had many classmates who were annoying. School did not make us "cool." Somebody somewhere is going to find us annoying because not every personality jives with every other personality. That is just the way it is, so why worry about this? Who cares about the popularity contest?

Someone else was concerned about our children not having the ability to stand against peer pressure and being able to make the right decisions. However, experts say that it is those children who have strong relationships with their parents that face these problems and overcome them. It is self-confidence instilled by a loving parent that gives a child the ability to turn away from peer pressure. The anti-drug campaigns on TV say, "Talk to your children because parents make a difference."

So school does not magically make a person "socialized." In fact, I really feel like it does the opposite. I cannot remember where I heard the quote, but someone once said that there is a difference between socialization and socializing. Socialization is the process of learning appropriate social behaviors, and socializing is the opportunity to mingle with other people.

Where in life are you going to be stuck in a place where there are 30 other people just like you, same age, same race, and same social class? School is a "false" social arena because you are not often faced with diversity, different ages and different cultures.

In life, there are many opportunities to socialize. Church, family gatherings, the neighborhood children, the local park in the summer, the play area at the mall in the winter, and play dates with friends are some of the ways that we find ways to socialize. The truth is that you really cannot stop children from socializing unless you lock them up. Children are naturally more outgoing than adults. Children do not see race or status. They just enjoy playing even when they do not know their new friend's name.

However, socialization is a careful and determined plan that a parent teaches their children on appropriate, mature behavior. Children need opportunities to face conflict or to make new friends, but even more, they need a chance to look back at those moments with their parents and see things from a new perspective. They need to be taught social graces by their parents, not by another six year old.

My oldest daughter Makani tells me about playing with her friends, "This little girl said that I was not allowed to play with this other little girl." So we talked about it: how it made her feel, how she should handle it, what she should say. Another time, she came home from a play date with a new attitude problem that we needed to discipline, and yet another time, she faced someone telling her that she was trouble. We had to show her that she was not trouble, and she felt renewed in her self-confidence, ready to face another social outing.

My middle daughter Rowena comes back from the park, saying she did not make any friends, and we talk about how to make friends and what to say and do to be friendly. The next time we go to the park, she exults by telling me, "Mommy, I made three friends." I have watched her come out of her shell, willing to initiate conversation.

With both girls, I find that it is much easier to correct the negative input from others when I can invest more into them than others do. Other children can be quite nasty in how they treat others, and children need time to recover from bullies and verbal abusers. I teach them something new about how to act and then give them another opportunity to face the social arena again.

Here are some of the important character traits a child needs to learn to be mature adults someday:

(1) how to recognize and deal with their own emotions

(2) respect for others, including others' space and possessions

(3) self-respect as well as self-confidence

(4) kindness towards others

(5) problem-solving and conflict resolution

(6) autonomy.